Joke Thread - page 1 | English Football Forum

denisirwinsbarmyarmy

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I'll start

Thought I heard an onion singing the Bee Gees in the kitchen the other day.
Turns out it was just the chive talking.

According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag...
So every morning I slap the wife on the arse and say "2 sugars fatty"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

Saw an advert in a window that said: 'TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.'
I thought, "I can't turn that down."

I took the wife to a nightclub last night. In front of us on the dance floor was this bloke giving it large; break-dancing, moon walking, back flipping the works!
Wife says, "see that bloke there, he proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down"
"yeah" I said, "looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!"

I'll get me coat

daib0

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My missus:

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
a pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
know, but she has a lovely personality"

I got stopped by a woman touting in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."

As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy b*stard and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the rubbish out."

I've been dating a homeless woman recently and i think it's getting serious.
She's asked me to move out with her!

"My wife is really chatty. She can speak hours on end about any topic"
"Mine is worse, she doesn't even need a theme"

The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"

Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?"

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Darlington

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Why sentence structure is so important.

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said:

'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit...'

Post Merge: Thu 16/08/12 at 14:33

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous lass sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied...

'You just happened to catch my eye...' time for me to leave after that one I think.

CambCelt

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Robin van Persie's house in London has been deliberately set on fire !

The police say that it was Arsene.

denisirwinsbarmyarmy

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Bloke goes on holiday to America with his family and is on an interstate and sees this indian reservation and thinks 'I'll show the kids some real American native culture' so pulls in. He's walking round with the kids when he sees this teepee in the corner with a 'MEMORY MAN' sign above it and thinks 'I'll try him out'. So he walks in the teepee and there's this little old indian puffing on a pipe. The bloke just says "Who scored the winning goal in the 1937 Scottish FA Cup Final between Aberdeen and Celtic???" The little old indian takes a puff of his pipe and says "Willie Buchan.....seventieth minute." Bloke can't believe it! shakes his hand and fucks off.

Ten years later he wins the lottery! kids have grown up and he's divorced from his wife. He thinks 'I need a holiday and I'm gonna do America again like I did with the family' to reminisce on the good times. So he's in America and he driving round when he finds himself on the same interstate and sees the same Indian reservation. He thinks 'I wonder if me old mates there' as he drives on?

As he walks round he spots the same little teepee slightly more weathered but with the 'MEMORY MAN' sign still intact. He's buzzing that he's still alive and as a show of respect as he walks into his teepee he does indian sign and says "Howww!!" ....the little old indian says "with diving header"

Post Merge: Fri 17/08/12 at 12:31

Barman says "sorry mate we don't let faster than light neutrinos in here."
A faster than light neutrino walks into a bar.

A bloke sat in his armchair & shouted to his wife, "When I die I’m going to leave everything to you love!"
She shouts back "you already do you lazy bastard!”

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too fucking late pal, the paperworks already done"

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Darlington

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After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ....

....................................................
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

daib0

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Saw an advert in a window that said: 'TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.'
I thought, "I can't turn that down."

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were laying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre diving board, did a two and a half tuck followed by three rotations in the pike position, straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!".
He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing lengths. After seventy-five, she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".
"No", she replied, "I was a prostitute in London, but I worked both sides of the river."

Post Merge: Mon 20/08/12 at 20:11

A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstile operator at Pompey -
Fella: Two please.
Turnstile Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?

There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at the Ricoh Stadium then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...

Two peanuts went to a bar in Millwall
One was a salted

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.

Someone asked me the other day, what time do Millwall kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied

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denisirwinsbarmyarmy

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Prince Harry's father has laughed off the naked holiday snaps off his son on holiday saying 'boys will be boys'
However prince Charles is said to be furious....!

Darlington

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Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

daib0

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SENIOR DRIVING.

As a senior citizen was driving on the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Bill, I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way along the M25".
Bill replied, "There's not just one, there are hundreds"...

SENIOR DRIVING PART II

Life when you get older..........Elderley lady calls 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator, "they've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator", she cried.
The operator said "stay calm an officer is on the way".
A few minutes later the officer radios the 999 operator: "don't worry" he says, "she got in the back seat by mistake"

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daib0

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Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy ...

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen "what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken please"
She replied, "You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!"

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denisirwinsbarmyarmy

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I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled

.....so I told her to fuck off.

EddieC

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EddieC

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Been injured by a Hazard at your workplace? Call claims direct!

Darlington

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"
she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."